wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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