i wish starbucks made bloody marys
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
