Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
