smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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