you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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