If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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