Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome