I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
