i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
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