Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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