i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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