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Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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