I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
