Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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