the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
