apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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