Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
