Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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