i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
