so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
