So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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