so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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