In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
