and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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