Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
