that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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