Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
