i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
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This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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