Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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