I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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