and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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