dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
