im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
