If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
