It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
