When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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