just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
