went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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