what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
