its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
