every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
