just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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