I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
