____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
