Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
