I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
