I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
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