There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
