Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
