he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I would fuck him just for his dog
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