I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
