just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
