No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
