Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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