just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
