i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
