3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
